VulgarI’ve had flack for Ecko’s use of the word ‘fuck’ – he does use it like a fucking comma. If I was going to be a fucking smartarse, I’d explain that the presence and absence of the verb ‘to fuck’ was one of the manifest fucking differences between the London and fantasy worlds… but it seems that was too fucking subtle.

Which is ironic.

So – in celebration of a word we (almost) all fucking use, of its versatility, its energy, its teenage angst and its raffish defiance, and of the simple satisfaction of fucking using it…

SmurfsFuck is a command. Someone pisses you off, you tell them to Fuck off. Simple. Fuck is an expletive, as in Fuck me, Fuck you, Fuck this. Fuck is verb and emphasis, like Fucking jerk, or Pass the fucking salt. Fuck gives you a way to tell someone they’ve overstepped the line, Shut the fuck up, Go fuck yourself.

Fuck is creative and immensely satisfying. Telling someone to Go take a flying fuck (at a rolling doughnut) will make them step back a pace. Fuck expresses and emphasises confusion like no other word, What the fuck, What the fucking fuck?

Other GodsFuck is a word for a night in the pub, Fucked again. Or for those who give you grief while you’re there, Fucktards and Motherfuckers. It can be used on the way home, or in the morning, to great and colourful effect, My God, I’m never fucking drinking again.

Fuck is rebellion, teenage or otherwise, Don’t fuck with me, Don’t do me any fucking favours, Fuck the system, Who gives a fuck?

Fuck expresses depressive anger, Fuck the world, and equally, the encouragement that’s its opposite, Don’t get fucked up, fucked over, She isn’t fucking worth it.

Fuck expresses confusion, Who the fuck are you, What the fuck is this, You’re fucking kidding me. It expresses exasperation, You dumb fuck.

GraffitoWith the right character, Fuck is a word that adds an underline to almost any emotion, that exaggerates speech and reaction, that can be put fucking everywhere, to fucking enhance anything, and still make fucking sense.


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POOP – Say No to the ‘P’!

Poop!And on the subject of linguistic idiosyncrasies…

Where did the word POOP come from? Who first used it? How did it slide into our language – it wasn’t there when I was a cub. How did there come to be poop games, poop songs, poop machines, Justin Bieber eating his own poop? Did it come from dog-walkers and their poop-scoops? Did Justin invent it himself? What?

A poop is a DECK, for Gods sakes, a deck on a ship. It’s not the ship’s latrine, unless you’re sticking your ass over the side. I’ve stood on the Poop deck of the Golden Hinde and I’m pretty sure I would have noticed. Pooped means fatigued. The Poop is a constellation. Poop is onomatopoeic – Gordon the Big Engine says ‘Poop, poop, poop!’ when he laughs at the smaller engines’ misfortunes. When you go for a pee, you don’t go for a PEEP, do you? Then why the hell has the word POO suddenly grown an additional and entirely unnecessary consonant?

Enough! Enough with the pooping!

Every time you use that extra letter, a bathroom fairy loses its wings. And the poor thing could land anywhere.

Please, think of the fairies. Say no to the ‘P’.

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